Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Headed home on Monday, excited to see my family, excited to go snowboarding, not excited to be in Nebraska. I remember when my sister moved to Pennsylvania she would complain about how she was never going to be able to find friends and yada, yada, yada. I was 13 or something like that, there were more girls to be found in Pennsylvania so HECK YES I was ready (no girls happened by the way.) Then I moved to Nebraska, my sister coped pretty well... REALLY WELL actually, she was a cheerleader, went to homecoming, prom, graduated a year early, and this time I was the lame duck.

I'm gonna be emotional -- this doesn't happen so take it in, read the words slowly so that you can savor the taste of my emotional vomit (GROSS!) I was like the COOLEST kid at my school in PA everyone knew me and liked me and laughed at my jokes. I didn't party much but I didn't need to because everyone respected the fact that I wasn't into the whole scene so we would go out to the movies or dinner or play video games. Then I had church friends -- LIKE FRIENDS -- people who believed what I believe, challenge themselves, liked what I liked, joked and played and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I was happy, ridiculously happy, ridiculously popular, and I was attractive (I realized this recently girls thought I was cute I was just afraid to talk to them -- all those crushes wasted on fear HAHA) Then I moved to Lincoln. I missed my senior class trip, my trip to Italy, my prom (which is a story of rejection in itself AH) and became a nobody, people didn't know me or talk to me for like the first 3 months, I don't know how to explain how lonely that is. Then I met a couple guys who were cool until they started doing things I didn't like to do and cool turned into me being a loner again. Then I started working where I met some great people, but still not FRIENDS -- if you know friends and then you know FRIENDS you know what I mean.

I like to stick on my move to Nebraska a lot, I think about it all the time, and people say get over it and I tell myself "Dude there's nothing you can do now," but as I sit here I realize that I'm lonely because of that move. I'm not an open person and I don't think I want to be anymore, I don't have real FRIENDS right now and I miss it, I'm lonely and as cool as God is, his football skills are non existent when I want to chuck the pigskin around (I did say pigskin) I can't hear him laugh when I watch a movie, I don't get to talk to him about the hot girl that walked by. I miss hanging out with FRIENDS and I could use a few in my life.

And since I'm being honest I've tried to have civil conversations about this subject but it seems like people don't understand. DON'T TELL ME I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH TO FIND FRIENDS just because I haven't gone lately doesn't mean I haven't gone while I've been here. I've been to 3 different churches multiple times in the past 2 years searching for a body who is open and understanding. I have gone to places where no one says a word to you DURING THE MEET AND GREET SECTION OF THE SERMON, in fact they reached PAST me to the person in the pew behind me, I've been to churches where, when you say hi, the people turn the other direction, REALLY I'M TIRED OF CHURCH AND CHRISTIANS and if it sounds like an excuse KICK ROCKS -- I'M TIRED OF YOU TOO -- don't judge me or my choices and think you understand from the other side of the nation I blog because I don't like to talk to people which means I probably haven't expressed enough to anyone for them to understand my issues with stuff, especially church, I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE WHO AREN'T REAL, WHO SAY ONE THING AND DO ANOTHER, WHO REPRESENT GOD IN UNLOVING WAYS, AND WHO JUDGE ME FOR NOT BEING IN CHURCH if I don't feel loved and accepted in CHURCH -- THEN I'LL STAY IN BED AND REST ON THE SABBATH YA' DIGG (and just for people who think this means I like to sleep in I AM UP FOR SCHOOL, MOVIE SHOOTS, AND I WOKE UP AND WAS READY TO GO WHEN IT CAME TIME TO VOTE, in fact I PAID FOR A PLANE TICKET AND FLEW BACK HOME!)

There, I'm done being emotional (angry which hides another emotion which is vulnerability, frustration, and disappointment) and I'm also done having civil conversations about my issues with church -- you wanna ask I will tell without the polite censor on my mouth.


Tina said...

What you are feeling is totally normal and I thank you for being so opoen and honest.
Good friends are really hard to come by, it's just that simple. The older you get, the harder it is and the higher your expecations become.
Hang in there, keep on praying. God put this challenge in front of you for a reason.
We love you in pA and your room is always open (unless Brendon is staying in it!)



Suz said...

I'm sorry. I could say I wish I had known but I'mnot sure that I could have done anything about it. But I am sorry, for what little help that is.

I know it was hard for you, I just didn't know how hard. You made a loving sacrifice for your father and I respect you for that. I think he wonders some times why God sent him to Nebraska of all places.

Hang in there, it will get better when you least expect it.